NOAH TODAY, by Sarah Waltz

NOAH TODAY
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in America and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
“Build another  Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard – but no  Ark.
“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain!
Where is the  Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
“I needed a Building Permit.”
“I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.”
“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the
neighborhood by-laws by building the  Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”
“Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the  Ark’s move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear none of it.”
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.”
“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”
“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space.”
“Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the  Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood.”
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m
supposed to hire for my building crew.”
“The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work.”
“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience.”
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this  Ark.”
“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
“You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord.
” The Government beat me to it.”
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